He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
