Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
