Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
