We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
