my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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