You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
