If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
there is glitter all over my balls
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