Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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