Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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