He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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