ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
