And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
