all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
