I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
