I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
