So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
