Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
