Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
