I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
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