When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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