I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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