I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
