I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
