john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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