when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
