I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
