So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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