I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
