drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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