I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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