dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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