he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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