You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
