you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
