Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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