Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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