speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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