It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
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