You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
My day in three words: secret purse cake
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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