Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
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