i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Randomize
