i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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