I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
