I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
