There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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