I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
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