just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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