he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
