I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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