tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
