Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
