he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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