so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Randomize
