you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Randomize
