my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
